We have family who live in the area most devastated by this week's California fires. And as of last night, we have not been able to reach them or hear reliable news about them. One positive fact about our family is that we know they are survivors. I do not mean that they are survivors as in reality-show survivors or militia survivalists -- those who live for celebrity status or feed on far right fearmongering. I do mean that our family has a better chance of surviving an extreme climatic storm like this wildfire than do most people. After 71 years of observing people and watching documentaries about the Holocaust, I have a few thoughts about the ability to survive traumatic events.
First, a child's parents must teach the child from toddler age to young adult life the importance of emotional intelligence. And this teaching does not belong solely to the birth parents. Family members from siblings to grandparents and cousins should be mindful of their responsibility for training the children. Respect the child's emotions, and help the child understand the emotions, recognize the causes, be aware of the affects on others. When the pandemic raged through our communities in 2020-2021, there was much speculation about its affects on our children. Schools closed because educators were ill. We needed to protect the students' and staff's extended families. Parents who used every opportunity to decry the school closings as political nonsense missed a greater opportunity to teach their children resilience and empathy. Many adolescents and teenagers were impacted negatively instead of positively. The choice belonged to the adults.
Many of us suffered childhood trauma. I know many adults who acknowledge their parents' abuses, some who acknowledge rape by family members or clergy, some who were neglected and learned hunger and extreme loneliness. Trauma that was never mitigated with a family's or community's intervention but was instead sustained over several years affected these adults' abilities to survive. However, some survived to become people who are far better than those who harmed them -- better as in kinder, more patient and generous, resilient, loving. They learned lessons from their trauma. The trauma they experienced did not kill them.
Most of us do not look back on childhood trauma. But we learned resilience and emotional strength through adult experiences.
A survivor is someone who wants to live for a future when harm and deprivation and cruelty are unknown. We can understand the reality of others' harmful and cruel ways, their bigotry, their narcissism, their greediness and avarice while at the same time believing that a future with us in it but free of these monsters is possible. During the Holocaust, many died in the concentration camps because they gave up. Many who did survive have shared this as fact. Inside each of us are dreams for the future we want...until we believe that fictional future is absolutely, undoubtedly, inarguably impossible. This willingness is give in and give up can start in childhood; it can also wait until old age. This unwillingness to survive defines a person's inability to Thrive.
A survivor is someone who has learned how to Thrive. They have fashioned a life that is different from their youthful dreams but, they manage their pains and regrets and coexist with other good people. They contribute what they are able to; they create happy experiences and communicate their ideas. They share.
A survivor is someone who acknowledges that most of the world's problems are out of their control. They learn how to control their smaller world, even if that is the world inside their tent with only a four-footed friend as constant companion. They are a learner. They have growth mindset.
A survivor is someone who learned experientially what most folks never learn -- wealth, financial stability, political or religious leaders, religious dogma, social status, birthright, and perfect health are illusory and unreliable. Unfaithful. A survivor learns and relearns to rely on their own skills, their innate goodness, their ability to adapt and change.
We look forward in every hour to hearing from our family.